


Process of Illumination

by thirtypercentdone



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Lesbian Agatha Wellbelove, Multi, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, the author is projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23931547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirtypercentdone/pseuds/thirtypercentdone
Summary: A story about starry night slow dancing, bad haircuts, pink nail polish, and two of the most oblivious girls on the planet.Alternatively: 5 times Agatha Wellbelove was a useless lesbian, and the one time Penelope Bunce got fed up and did something about it.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51
Collections: Agatha Wellbelove fics





	Process of Illumination

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all, I wrote this all in one day bc it just popped into my head & I love writing the girls. This takes place between years 3-8 at Watford, not really taking into account the events that take place in Carry On.

Agatha remembered the first time she had cut her own hair. 

She’d been 13, finished her second year at Watford and tired of beauty being the only thing people saw when they looked at her. She was exhausted with the boys throwing themselves at her feet and the girls whispering about her. She was  _ done.  _

The night before 3rd year was to begin, she’d taken a pair of kitchen scissors to her bathroom and chopped off her hair until it was the same length as Simon’s until she felt  _ finished _ . 

Her mother had cried the next morning, had made her swear to cast beauty charms until it grew back. Agatha, of course, knew this was a ridiculous waste of magic that her mother had no way of enforcing but she’d complied. 

And as she sat there in the backseat of the car, sunlight streaming through the windows and hat on her head in the sweltering English summer, she wondered why it mattered so much. 

The only person who’d seen her without the spell had been her roommate, Phillipa, who had immediately said, “You look like a  _ dyke _ , thank god for beauty charms.”, before doubling over with laughter. 

When Penelope had heard about this, she’d spelled Phillipa’s books shut for a week and charmed her hair orange. Agatha had told her not to, but Penny was pretty much the only person who  _ wouldn’t _ do whatever she said. 

_ And that _ , Agatha thinks, _ is probably where it all started. _

\------

Penelope was pretty, she really was, even if it  _ was  _ in an understated way. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise that someone else had finally taken notice. 

Namely, Micah. Penelope’s  _ boyfriend.  _

Agatha turned the world over in her mind,  _ boyfriend.  _

It made something ugly and unfamiliar twist in her gut. 

So she avoided them both, taking any excuse she could to get away, just so she didn’t have to see them together, just so she didn’t have to see her look at  _ him  _ with one of those grins she’d always saved for Agatha. 

Agatha didn’t know why it bothered her so much. Micah was a nice enough guy, he'd never done anything to  _ offend _ her, but still, she couldn’t help it, he just rubbed her the wrong way. 

“You’re looking at those eggs like they’ve murdered your whole family.”, Penelope stated one morning, looking at Agatha with something akin to concern. 

Agatha started to get up, “I’m not hungry.” 

“Do you hate me now?”, Penelope’s voice wavered, but she maintained the frown she’d been wearing earlier. 

“What? No.” 

“Is this about Simon?” 

_ Yes,  _ Agatha had thought.  _ That must be it, I’m jealous of her relationship with Simon.  _

“Yes.”, She replied and felt it turn to a lie the second it crossed her lips. 

“I’ve already told you, we’re just friends! He’s completely mad about you anyway, he’d never do that.”, Penelope’s voice sounded a little sad like maybe she’d thought about it too much. Agatha had elected to ignore it. 

“Well, you want to be the most important person in his life, so what was I supposed to think?”, Agatha spits back, trying not to break and show how little she cares about what Simon thinks of other girls.

_ Maybe she should care… _

“He’s my best friend!”, People were staring, but Penny didn’t seem to care, that’s one of the things Agatha admired about her, how few fucks she gave what anyone thought. 

“Well, I’m his girlfriend, Penny. And I’m probably going to be his…”, She faltered. “His  _ wife.  _ So forgive me for wanting-” 

Penelope had cut her off, “We both know that isn’t true!” 

“What?”

Penelope had sighed and run a hand through her hair, quite a feat given its unruly nature, “You’re not going to marry Simon.”

“And why is that?” 

The flat look in Penny’s eyes had told her all she needed to know, “Because you’re a-” 

Agatha stormed out before she could finish. 

\------

There was a ball 5th year, and despite all the etiquette and finishing school her family had enforced, when Penelope asks Agatha if she knows how to waltz, she replies, almost helplessly;

“No.” 

She pretends to falter the steps, relishing in how her friend stops to correct their footing, stumbling a little herself. Agatha knows she should practice with Simon, her  _ boyfriend,  _ but he’d been busy with stalking his roommate at all hours of the day and she’d grown tired of waiting. 

Waiting for him to ask, waiting to start caring that he hadn’t. 

She almost points out that it’s a little pointless, learning how to lead a waltz when she’d be dancing with Simon. But when Penelope’s hand falls on her shoulder again after Agatha twirls her out in a needlessly complicated spin leaving both of them laughing breathlessly, she can’t bring herself to say a word. 

Because she knows this is all they’ll ever have, the stolen moments. That she’s the chosen one’s girlfriend, the prize he gets for beating all the bosses, the goddamn  _ damsel in distress.  _ She’s practically programmed to swoon into his arms. They really are perfect together, Agatha and Simon. 

But they’re not this. 

They aren’t the slow, dizzying circles she and Penny dance in, late into the night in the astronomy tower. They aren’t the breath on her neck. They aren’t the terrifyingly tempting reflection of Penelope’s red lipgloss. 

“What are you thinking about?”, Penelope asks, her voice just a little bit above a whisper. 

“Simon.”, She replies, because it’s true, she does think about him, but not in the way she should, the way she’s supposed to. 

Penelope bites her lip like she’d been expecting her to say that like she knew it wasn’t true.

_ Like maybe _ , Agatha allows herself to think,  _ she didn’t want it to be _ . 

“You?”, Agatha says, a little desperate to break the silence. 

“That you already knew how to waltz.”, Penny replies, a smirk slowly spreading across her face. 

“I have not idea what you’re talking about.”, Agatha shoots back, punctuating the statement by throwing her friend into a dramatic dip.

Penelope laughs, and Agatha is struck with the urge to do whatever she has to to keep hearing that sound. 

When they finish dancing, they sit next to each other, swapping stories from before they were both thrown into a war, before they knew what they were getting themselves into with all this Simon Snow bullshit. 

“Does it ever get to be too much?”, Agatha asks, leaning into Penelope’s side a little more than is strictly necessary. 

“What?” 

“Being the smartest person in the room.” 

Penelope doesn’t blush, doesn’t even blink, just looks at Agatha like she’s just discovered something. “You know, I’m beginning to think that’s not the aptest description of who I am.” 

There’s a lull, and they sit in comfortable silence

Agatha looks at the ceiling, shaking her head, “I was so jealous of you.” 

Penelope blinks, “What?” 

“I  _ am  _ so jealous of you.” 

“Wha-”, Penny pauses, seeming a little shocked, Why?” 

“You’re so wickedly smart, everyone can see it. Everyone knows you’re going places, Penny. You’re so much braver than I am.” 

Penelope looks at Agatha like she’s the stupidest person on the planet, which stings a little. “I’m smart but you’re...everything. You’re-” 

“If you say beautiful, I’ll seriously kill you.” 

Penelope grins, “You are, beautiful that is. But you’re also so strong, you know I’ve never seen you cry? Not with all the times you’ve been kidnapped or held hostage. Not once.” 

Agatha shrugs, “Maybe I got used to it.” 

Penny gives her a carefully calculated look, “Maybe, or maybe you’re just sure that if Simon doesn’t come to save you, you could save yourself.” 

“If I could do that, why wouldn’t I?” 

“I think you care about him too much.”

Agatha nods, “He needs me to need him.” 

Penelope puts her head on Agatha’s shoulder and hums in agreement. “Do you love him?” 

Agatha thinks she knows what the answer should be. She knows she should say “Yes.” without a moment's hesitation and she and Simon could ride off into the sunset or something. 

She closes her eyes, “Not in the way everyone wants me to.” 

Penelope stills, “Oh.” 

Agatha feels herself stiffen, she stands up, pulling Penny with her, “It’s late, we should-” 

“I’m not so brave.”, Penelope says, cutting her off. 

“What?” 

“You said I was brave but I-”, her eyes flicker down to Agatha’s lips, just for a second, “I’m not.”

Agatha nods, not understanding but desperately wishing she did. 

\-------

There was another ball in 6th year, but Penny didn’t offer to teach Agatha to dance. 

They didn’t speak very much at all actually, not lately. They ate lunch together, but things were undeniably tense. 

Penny and Agatha had gotten into a fight. Something that rarely happened, and had never lasted this long. Agatha remembers the words, “Stuck up, pretentious know-it-all!”, leaving her mouth but not what drove her to say it. 

She remembers the words, “Shallow, self-centered, coward!”, being thrown back at her, and she remembers reeling back like she’d been hit. 

_ Coward.  _

She knew Penelope was right, she was a coward, and it wasn’t fair what she was doing to Simon, taking “breaks” and getting back together when it became too awkward. It wasn’t right, especially when she knew she didn’t want to be with him. 

Still, the ball was that night, and due to a lack of friends and a boyfriend, she was going alone. 

There’s a knock on her door. 

_ Well, mostly alone.  _

“Wellbelove.”, Baz says, not even commenting on how she looks, the asshole. 

“Baz.”

As they’re walking towards the great hall, Baz turns to her, “You know, if you’re looking to make Snow jealous, I’m your worst bet.” 

“And why’s that?”, she snaps back. 

He shrugs, “He already thinks we’re engaged in some kind of torrid love affair. If you wanted to make him jealous you should’ve brought someone he’d never expect.” 

The terrible thought,  _ like Penny,  _ crosses her mind, but she shakes it off. 

“I don’t care about making Simon jealous.” 

“Oh? Shouldn’t you be clamoring to get back that golden destiny?” 

It’s work not to roll her eyes, so she deflects. “You don’t like girls, do you?” 

He falters, she thinks it’s the first time she’s seen him at a loss, “I-...Why would you think that?”

“Shot in the dark. I’m right though, aren’t I?” 

He clenches his jaw, “If you tell  _ anyone- _ ” 

She cuts him off, “Calm down, I won’t. I just thought it would be nice to go with someone who... _ understands _ .” 

The second the words leave her mouth she knows it’s a mistake, that she shouldn’t tell anyone, and it’s not that she trusts Baz, but she trusts him not to tell anyone, not like he has many friends anyway. 

Realization seems to dawn on his face, “Oh.” 

She snorts, “Yeah, “oh.”, now let's go be the best looking couple this school has ever seen.”

“Can you waltz?”, he asks. 

She raises an eyebrow, “Is that even a question?” 

\--

7th year, Agatha has decided, fucking  _ blows _ . 

She and Penny are friends again, which is good because Simon won’t even look at her. Penny told her he was heartbroken, when Agatha had ended things for good. 

But she’d had to, they’d both been holding onto to something that was long gone. Something Agatha wasn’t even sure had been there in the first place. 

Even without the breakup, and the resulting loss of friends that had made her realize she didn’t have any in the first place, her coursework had been harder than ever. 

“You’re overthinking.”, Penelope says, setting her books down across from Agatha’s. 

“That’s my line.”, She shoots back, sipping a cup full of espresso and ice and cursing whatever administrator had insisted they learn Greek. 

Penelope snatches the cup, “How many of these have you had?” 

Agatha shrugs and makes a noncommittal sound. Even though she knew it was 5, she’d had five. 

Penelope shakes her head, “This is ridiculous, you’re acting like...like-” 

“You?” 

Penny frowns and shakes the cup at Agatha, “ _ I  _ practice safe and healthy study habits, you, on the other hand, have always gone overboard. Here, let me-”, she closes the computer. 

“Penny!”, Agatha groans, the thing took forever to reboot. 

“You’re coming with me, we’re going to do something  _ you  _ like doing.” 

Agatha blinks, her brain catching up to the words coming out of Penny’s mouth sluggishly, “Why?” 

“Because my idea of relaxing is a day in the library, but you look like you’re one espresso shot away from passing through the veil, so come  _ on.”,  _ Penelope pulls her up and Agatha hurries to shove her books and laptop back into her bag. 

They end up in Agatha’s dorm, the moon streaming through the windows and reflecting off of Penelope’s cat eyeglasses. 

Penelope, as it turns out, is fucking  _ awful  _ at painting nails. 

“Am I doing alright?” 

“Yes, don’t worry, Pen. You’re doing great.” 

Penelope smiles, “I wouldn’t worry about Si.”

Agatha’s mood instantly sours, “He  _ hates  _ me.” 

Penelope shakes her head, “No, he doesn’t. Just give him time.” 

“It’s been months.” 

“He’s just hurt, he’ll come around.” 

Agatha nods. “Hopefully.” 

They fall into a comfortable silence for a few minutes, it’s familiar. Pink nail polish is smudged on Agatha’s fingers and she knows she’ll have to wash it off tomorrow. But she can’t bring herself to say anything. 

She can never bring herself to say anything, not when it comes to Penny at least. 

_ Oh, shit.  _

_ Fuck.  _

Penelope raises an eyebrow, and Agatha realizes she must have visibly frozen, “Are you okay?” 

Agatha clears her throat, “Fine, never been better.” 

“Whatever you say.”

_ Oh my god. _

The realization hits her like a wave, and it’s familiar like she’s thought about it before. Like she’s thought about it a lot. 

She looks at the way Penelope’s hair falls over her shoulder like a wave and the gentle cupid’s bow of her lip. 

_ Yep, I've thought about that before.  _

Long after Penny’s left, Agatha lies awake in the dark, thinking about every touch, every glance, and every late-night conversation they’d ever shared, wondering how she’d managed to read it all so painfully wrong. 

Before she falls into a fitful, dreamless sleep, she has one thought. 

_ Phillipa fucking Stainton was right.  _

_ \----- _

Penelope grabs Agatha’s arm and drags her, with a little more force than is strictly necessary, into the nearest broom closet, “What the fuck were you thinking?” 

7th year sucks considerably less now that Simon is speaking to her again, and he, Agatha, and Penny can all be friends like they used to. Agatha’s even come to terms with her torrid, one-sided lesbian romance. Things are looking up, for the most part. 

_ For the most part.  _

“She was being a snob.”, Agatha replies, trying her very best not to think about how close Penny was standing. 

“And you were being an impulsive idiot! Something like that could get you expelled!”, Penelope seethes, Agatha registers her own back hitting the wall as she backs up subconsciously from her friend’s wrath. 

“It could  _ not.  _ Plus, you heard what she said about low-powered magicians!” 

Penelope rolls her eyes, and if it’s possible, steps even further into Agatha’s space, “I don’t need you fighting my battles, and I  _ certainly  _ don’t need you fighting my father’s so-” 

“I’m aware you are perfectly self-sufficient and capable, Penelope!” 

“Then why couldn’t you have left well enough alone!” 

Agatha stills, she knows why. Because when it comes to Penny, she can never leave  _ anything  _ alone. “You know why.” 

Penelope freezes, and Agatha swears she sees something shift in her expression like she’s just solved a Rubix cube. “I don’t think I do.” 

Agatha hates that look, in the same way, she hates any look on Penelope, which is to say she loves it. 

Penelope moves a little closer, hands on the wall next to Agatha’s head. “Care to fill me in?” 

When several of the slowest seconds Agatha has ever experienced in her life pass without any reply, Penelope drops her hands back to her sides and backs up a few steps, “You still don’t get it do you?” 

“Penny, I-” 

“You’re a coward.” 

Agatha recoils, but before she can reply Penelope is slamming the door behind her, leaving Agatha in complete darkness to think about what the fuck had just happened. 

\-----

“May I cut in?”, Agatha asks, hoping she had correctly read the “help me!” looks Penelope had been sending her across the room. 

Garrath pulls away, “Of course.” 

Penelope quickly shifts one hand to Agatha’s shoulder and clasps the other in her own. “Thank you.”, she whispers. 

Agatha maneuvers them to a far off corner of the ballroom, “Anytime.” 

Penelope smiles, “So, the Simon and Baz thing?” 

Agatha almost rolls her eyes, “I couldn’t be less surprised.” 

Penelope shakes her head, “And I thought  _ I  _ was the brightest witch of our year.” 

“You are, I’m just the most perceptive.” 

Penelope stares at her, the same Rubix cube look in her eye she’d gotten when they’d fought last year, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” 

“Oh?”, Agatha raises an eyebrow. 

“Micah and I broke up.” 

Agatha almost steps back, but Penelope’s vice-like grip of her shoulder holds them in place, “I’m sorry, Penny.” 

Penelope shrugs, “Don’t be, we grew apart. Plus, I think I have feelings for someone else.” 

Agatha swallows and feels herself freeze, “Oh? Who’s the lucky guy?” 

Penelope averts her eyes, “As if you don’t know.” 

Agatha furrows her brow, “I’m sure I don’t” 

The look in Penelope’s eyes hardens and turns frustrated, the hand on Agatha’s shoulder drops and she’s dragged into the cool night, wind hitting her bare legs. 

“Hey-”, she starts. But before she can continue, she’s being backed against the stone wall, Penelope’s hands gripping her hips. 

“Let me clear things up for you.”, Penny hisses, voice low. Agatha probably would have missed it if she wasn’t so zeroed in on every word leaving her mouth. 

And then they’re kissing. 

And it’s awkward, at first, but then Penelope tilts her head up a little and Agatha is a little less stunned. And it’s  _ perfect.  _ It’s still messy, but they’re teenagers and it’s okay and  _ Penelope Bunce is kissing her.  _

Penelope pulls away, face flushed, “All caught up?” 

Agatha feels a stupidly big grin spread across her face, “Getting there.”

Penelope sighs in faux-exasperation, “Should’ve known.” 

“You calling me a dumb blonde?”, Agatha gasps, pressing a hand to her chest. 

“We should head back inside.”, Penelope smiles. 

“We should?” 

Penelope grabs Agatha’s arm, “Come on, it’s freezing.” 

Agatha tries to suppress another grin, “I really-”, the word  _ love  _ stalls on the tip of her tongue, “-Like you.” 

Penelope flushes a deeper red, “I figured.” 

Right before they go back through the doors, Penelope presses a quick kiss to her cheek, “The feeling is mutual.” 

Agatha smiles. 

_ 8th year,  _ Agatha decides,  _ is fucking awesome.  _

_ \----- _

“Penelope? Really?”, Simon asks, incredulous, the morning after the ball. 

Agatha raises an eyebrow, “Si, you’re fucking a  _ vampire _ ” 

Baz smacks her arm. 

Simon just shakes his head, “How long?” 

“Since 7th year.”, She lies, what he doesn’t know couldn’t hurt him. 

Penelope squeezes her hand under the table, and Agatha feels warmth bloom in her chest. 

And at that moment, at least, she wasn’t a damsel in distress. She wasn’t the prize after the game was over, and she  _ certainly  _ wasn’t swooning into Simon Snow’s arms. 

She was just Agatha Wellbelove. She was just a girl, holding another girl's hand and eating some jam on toast, waiting for her first class to start. 

And she was a little more than okay with that. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading! kudos and comments are always appreciated.


End file.
